Words that Pierce Me

Even on this last day these words pierce me. I’m thrown off, but i’m more stable than i’ve ever been.

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He Asked to Ride My Face

I’m so happy we all got laid tonight is really how I feel right now. I’ve been skeptical about my desire – in the aftermath of everything that occurred with him it was about time for me to feel myself for myself.

Going over tonight showed me the level where I’m currently at. I’m a trans women who is comfortable navigating herself as a gay man around these premises. In the context of the fun that I enjoy having: I am a secret ninja top whose aggressiveness brings out the naughtiest inside of people. I’m a being sharing myself with people of mutual interest.

He was 21 years old, smoked mokes and just finished his last quarter. His name was AJ (which I doubt is true) but it is a name I won’t forget. With this person moving as well it makes me think of this ticking time bomb that hasn’t fully exploded on me.

His moke smoking reminded me of times I would kiss my ex. Or of the times when I would enjoy leisure time with the plug. My life has definitely circulated around these circles but as long as I’m being safe I found power in my agency to choose what I do with my body.

I was distracted tonight – DICKstracted if you want to call it that but I am definitely doing what makes me feel free. You know what – I’m doing what makes me feel like me. Tonight was a bit wild but in the end it’s acknowledging that I’m down for my shit and with the right comfort and vibe I can put myself in this vulnerable position.

Best part: he asked to ride my face. 中中中

He Asked to Ride My Face

I’m so happy we all got laid tonight is really how I feel right now. I’ve been skeptical about my desire – in the aftermath of everything that occurred with him it was about time for me to feel myself for myself.

Going over tonight showed me the level where I’m currently at. I’m a trans women who is comfortable navigating herself as a gay man around these premises. In the context of the fun that I enjoy having: I am a secret ninja top whose aggressiveness brings out the naughtiest inside of people. I’m a being sharing myself with people of mutual interest.

He was 21 years old, smoked mokes and just finished his last quarter. His name was AJ (which I doubt is true) but it is a name I won’t forget. With this person moving as well it makes me think of this ticking time bomb that hasn’t fully exploded on me.

His moke smoking reminded me of times I would kiss my ex. Or of the times when I would enjoy leisure time with the plug. My life has definitely circulated around these circles but as long as I’m being safe I found power in my agency to choose what I do with my body.

I was distracted tonight – DICKstracted if you want to call it that but I am definitely doing what makes me feel free. You know what – I’m doing what makes me feel like me. Tonight was a bit wild but in the end it’s acknowledging that I’m down for my shit and with the right comfort and vibe I can put myself in this vulnerable position.

Best part: he asked to ride my face. 中中中

Everything Is Love

Wow Beyonce.

You really went out there and wrote the summer album we did not deserve from you. You are amazing.

Beyond this, this album truly explores a lot of intersections within her life but also allows you to reflect on your own. From Jay talking about the Louvre, to recording Apeshit she allows us to delve further into the secret life of Beyonce. This Virgo queen brings about a different side of her that we really began seeing after Beyonce – the Self-Titled album and once again when Lemonade was released.

I sit here as I know my friends are graduation and contemplate like Beyonce in Friends about the impact the they’ve had on my life. Like Beyonce I know that my friends are better than your friends, but this draws from the groups that i’ve inhibited. Beyond my current corporeal self I know there is a version of myself beyond this space that is going to thrive. I highlight Friends because I really felt like I needed this energy before I could continue.

I wanted to grow and I became. Like Beyonce I said, “fuck you!” to the things that were not benefiting me. I let go of this old idea people thought about me and made my Lemonade. Like Beyonce I thought differently and imagined a space outside of the current platforms offered. I joined a collective and together we made a team. At Beychella I found this tribe. I found a core group of Femme-Friends that I knew I can count on. The power of women ; or the power of the collective is powerful y’all. Tidal is this platform.

I joined Tidal to support the art of those artists exclusively on this path. As the great flow of life goes I know it is through these valiant efforts that one day somebody will recognize an idea I have, see my art and worth and support me. In closing I am left in surprise of this album out of nowhere! But this is not Beyonce’s first time gracing us as we close off our chapters in our current states.In the words of Britney Spears, “Oops, She did it again!”

Take a Sip, It’ll Last Longer

I tend to write on here most in moments of chaos. I find solemn in the way that my phalanges interact with the keyboard. They become a sort of cataclysmic event in which my thought and action are put together to form a body of text that encapsulates what I’m currently feeling.

I state this because this week in particular i’ve had a hard time finding my voice through text. In order to get better I have to remind myself to practice. I have to write in many voices, practice each one and craft them into archives or repositories of beings in which I am able to pull out of my rolodex.

I’m excited to see the next version of myself I can become because I can taste it on the tip of my tongue like butter. I know I’m going to be happy, i’m going to be able to delve further into myself, what I want to do and who I am meant to be. I want to see how this being interacts with others around me.

I believe although last night might have not been the success necessary for the current version of myself I believe it allowed me to extricate a streamlined pattern of thought that is preparing me for the future. Signing up to visit 5 Law schools is not a look in the past, but a look into my future. In surrounding myself within this culture I am peeping at my future, I am watching it lay out in front of me through the haze that once was.

Like Mattie Mae, I needed to do it alone and that’s what I needed to learn. Nobody is going to be able to do this for me, but me.

Things I Would Rather Be Doing Other Than This Paper

  • Have my legs behind my head as I’m getting tongue fucked by this random grindr hookup who I don’t know
  • Smoke
  • Write a Love Letter
  • Plan a Spontaneous Trip to a Location
  • Apply to Jobs
  • Another Resume
  • Another Cover Letter
  • Another Distraction
  • Dick
  • More Rimjobs, this time I’ll give it
  • Take Raunchy Photos of Myself for the new snapchat people I am able to entertain
  • Tumblr
  • Read my Horoscope
  • See something on Astrology
  • Watch the Sunrise
  • Catch the Sunset
  • Watch a Movie
  • Perform in a Drag Show
  • More Sex
  • Obviously I’m horny.

Making Moves (Backward)

I keep saying I’m making moves and I’m learning that I’m kinda in the same position I was a year ago. The only difference is I’m still learning to fight the way that I need to in order to get to where I need to be. Let me fight some more, I need to not give up just yet. I just need to use my drive and passion and centralize it.

I got this.

Burning Around

Yo, fuck this paper.

I don’t want to do shit. I just want to release myself creatively. Like a piece of wood I want to be split into pieces and light warmth.

If I was a fire I believe I would be a wildfire today. I would begin as a calm tame and controlled situation. Let’s say that I’m a campfire. With the hands of youth I’m gathered, put into one spot and put straw around so there is something to grab the fire. I am then tendered to into a structure that will allow for it to grow.

The children are grabbing their rocks and slowly sending sparks at my straw. Parts of me are sparking but nothing is really lighting. It isn’t until we put a little lighter fluid, something to gas me up, that I am finally able to grow. I see my sparks grow, I see my skin be consumed by this fire and I’m growing.

Finally – I’m a fire. The lighter fluid didn’t help contain me but it helped start me. Like a Phoenix i’m surrounded by the fire but not being hurt by it. I’m learning to maneuver my way in this chaos, to find myself amongst the abyss that i’m currently in. The Phoenix is not sad – she is contemplative. She is thinking of her next move, she is the leader in her life acknowledging the flight she must take to become her full self. I love this form of myself, I love this being i’ve become.

Bed.

“Got a bed with your name on it.”

Ariana’s new song speaks volumes to the end of Spring / beginning of Summer emotion. It delves into this feeling of knowing where you are and the person who you lay beside. When thinking of my life, I think the way that I am learning who I want to lay beside? I know one person, but as the saying goes only time can tell what this will bring about.

I’m learning to see this bed as a space that is sacred to me, it is one that allows me to be both vulnerable and strong. Who else lays on your bed besides the people that are closest to you?

In Becoming Free

What a pleasant surprise it is to have you on my mind and next thing you know we are standing in the same room. It has always been interesting to me the way your mind works. As someone who loves you its also weird to see the memories that are made about you when you aren’t here.

I find you an interesting person, somebody with a life that if I’m honest I don’t even understand. You are different, but also you are not the same person I met those many years ago. I think we put each other through our own version of hell. I lost you, but in this process also found myself more. I became a version of myself that I understand best. Wrapped around the arms of theDivine Feminine I knew that there was a lesson to be learned after this.

I’m sitting here now, at the very Starbucks that I knew we spent countless hours studying at. You’re sitting inside, i’m outside and yet here we are. I know we won’t ever be in the same place we were, but I do know that I don’t want to be in a the place where I was lost. In finding myself I was able to grow away from our past. I am finally free.