Dancing With Myself

13.50

Some days more than others the hit single Dancing with Myself by Billy Idol chimes into my head and I think of the impact that living on my own and being on my has had on my experience in Santa Barbara. Today’s experiences derive from a life in which I was thrusted into the role of an adult and my coping, learning and true nurturing. I leave us with the thought that I have always been there, this planner, this passion, this heart. I have always been you.

I can see myself in the corner of high school walls wondering where this energy comes from. Prom, high school, leadership; all depth with purpose and understanding a coming of age story in light of modern America. I draw back on my experiences and if I can highlight one thing is my passion. Like the passion I have for makeup, pole dancing, academics and more it derives from this love of life. It took me many years to find it, and many more to finally control it but I can say here at 21 that who I was yesterday is not who I will continue to be tomorrow. I want to change, but is change bad?

What is change but a figment of one’s coming to terms? I think i’m in the prime time to figure myself out. I’m 21, closer to 22 than I expect within a couple weeks of their last year in their undergrad. It has been a long journey but in the end of it all what have I done for myself?

Camila. Camila Camaleon. Camila La Loca. Camila Cabrona, Camila. Camaleon Camila. Cama Cama Cama Camaleon.

As I wait at this McDonalds I draw back on yesterday’s lesson of Zen. If Zen meant understanding then was I truly learning to navigate the spaces within my mind. If so, how can progress be measured… One thing I know is I think I’m done hiding. I’m me, I’m myself, I’m Ernie (when I want to be) and Camila on most days away. I’m happy, or am I getting happy? The one thing I’m positive about is that I know I’m feeling a lot happier.

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DRAFT: 3 Years Ago

DRAFT: 3 Years Ago.

Now, it has come to my attention, more than once I might add, that the culture in Isla Vista, or IV as we call it here is entirely different than the way that most college towns work. I do have to say, there is this sense of maturity that comes with a person after one drunken night in the IV party scene. It varies with all people, especially those with partners or friends with benefits who they already have setup, but it leads them to a craving and yearning for intellect, and bumping body parts. In my time here at UC Santa Barbara, I have to be honest and say I have never felt so lonely, happy, excited, turned on, confused, and amazing than I ever have in my life. Santa Barbara is a culture in and of itself; it is a school in which we are able to party hard on the weekends, smoke like a chimney, and drink like sailors and still maintain our social scene, personal lives, and academics. I value the culture that Santa Barbara has to offer and it is amazing how yesterday I was as drunk as a sailor and high like a kite and still managed to go to breakfast this morning. There are certain things that I wish I would have done or valued a bit more. I value myself to the extent that I am limited in the community of whom I can sleep with as well as people who I will date. I have figured out that although being single is bad sometimes, it is great to be able to have this time to just be me. I have learned things about myself that I personally wouldn’t have thought were imaginable or possible. I have learned what I value and I am glad to say that this is something that although doesn’t happen a lot, it is something that does happy, I learned what I prefer in s

Long Overdue.

4.38pm 

Long overdue. 

It has been a long time since i've given myself the ability to write but after watching upper east side drama from Manhattan I figured why not write about the drama of my own. 

Drama may not be the best word as I try to refrain from most mishaps but words like journey, transition, and finding myself hit closer to home. I find myself writing this trying to keep in mind simple rules that will allow me to express myself. I like to refer to this voice inside of me as the rage of a 1,000 drag queens. It is a moment in my life in which i'm learning that instead of keeping everything inside my head as usual I should really write and delve into the formation of myself and who I am. The question of, "Who am I?" gives me images of both law and public policy, glitz and glam, and everything in between. I see new friends and old, new pasts and old secrets, skeletons and openness and nevertheless an abyss of a lifestyle that I have not been owning. 

I'm only guilt of one thing and that is giving myself the life I think I deserve. I reflect on my past and think of the countless hours slaved away figuring out the problems of the organizations around me and not facing the problems of myself. I think of my emphasis on Ernesto and Ernie but never on the person inside whose dying to get some room. The business lawyer chic whose itching to go to law school, grad school and then work in Trans Law. 

When we think of labels we tend to refer to them for nutrition facts, boyfriends, names of buildings but one label dawns the most. Trans. The word Trans is who I am, it is what I identify as. I live my life thinking that in the future will be a better time to go through with surgery and such because I know it will make me happy. To have a person inside of you who doesn't get air time is like having a thought of internally imploding whilst having the rage of a thousand drag queens inside. Its this boring passion that i've lived. Its because of her, because of my that I am who I am today. 
"Sometimes, following the rules is not the best way to get by. It's not that you should go around breaking the rules on purpose today, but you shouldn't be afraid to work outside the norm. Make your own guidelines. As long as you're not hurting someone else, you can do what you think is right -- even if those in charge don't agree. Be willing to explain your actions and there is no one you can't persuade to your way of thinking. You are a powerful force to be reckoned with." - Astrology.com 
I will listen to my horoscope today and follow what everybody else sees and believes in me. I am a kind person, I am a woman, I am enough. 
21.39pm 

Camila La Loca. 

Be Zen. - Larissa. My mind is not at peace but it finally getting to some sort of clarity. I was thinking of labels in which we tend to refer to them for nutrition facts, boyfriends, names of buildings but one label dawns the most. Trans. The word Trans is who I am, it is what I identify as.