In Becoming Free

What a pleasant surprise it is to have you on my mind and next thing you know we are standing in the same room. It has always been interesting to me the way your mind works. As someone who loves you its also weird to see the memories that are made about you when you aren’t here.

I find you an interesting person, somebody with a life that if I’m honest I don’t even understand. You are different, but also you are not the same person I met those many years ago. I think we put each other through our own version of hell. I lost you, but in this process also found myself more. I became a version of myself that I understand best. Wrapped around the arms of the Divine Feminine I knew that there was a lesson to be learned after this.

I’m sitting here now, at the very Starbucks that I knew we spent countless hours studying at. You’re sitting inside, i’m outside and yet here we are. I know we won’t ever be in the same place we were, but I do know that I don’t want to be in a the place where I was lost. In finding myself I was able to grow away from our past. I am finally free.

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Eureka 2.0

I’m in my Eureka moment. Like her I too was injured and asked to leave. I left in shambles and returned excited, nervous, and ready for the game. I came to fight like she came to win. I’m here to stay, do you think I can do it?

In Becoming Myself – The Weed Herself

I sit here in this Gemini New Moon in 2018 knowing myself more than I ever have in the past. I acknowledge parts of me that I don’t even think really exist outside of my peripheral vision.

I’m an essence, a being floating in this world amongst these other beings blossoming into myself. In becoming authentically me I learned to shed parts of me that were no longer useful. I had to set boundaries, I grew and was stopped as I tried. I grew until I knew that there was nothing else to do but continue to grow.

I became myself, I shed parts of myself and began to see the new skin. You began to see me, I began to see me, we all began to feel free. In this we mourned, we mourned the death of the being I once was, this person I had so carefully crafted. I grew, I continued to shed parts of me even if it meant screaming in pain as they were torn from me. I grew – I hit the ceiling and knew that this was something imaginative, it was something I had fabricated that stopped me the last time I was in this position.

With all the fierceness and force of the people before me I grew into myself. I grew outward. I blossomed, pollinated, blossomed, and grew until the walls couldn’t contain my beauty. You were holding me and I had to let go…

I grew, I broke the very building I thought I originally existed in. Like nature I fought against the colonization that had been engraved on my back and grew with it. I took over the buildings, the land, the light and continued to grow. With access to air I was able to grow naturally. Through the light and H20, the light sprinkles, the morning dew I became my most authentic self. Hues of purple, blue, green, red and orange consume the very land I inhibit.

I had become myself. I broke the walls and consumed everything around me. My pieces reaching beyond their current limits. The world isn’t getting smaller, I’m only growing bigger.

Pineapple Skies

Pineapple Skies – Promise everything is going to be alright.

You are happier bitch. For once in your life you can feel and exude this confidence that it took you years to craft. For once you have become the person you have been asking for. In the end, you even got what you asked for in the person you love the most. I asked for presence and was granted just this. I am happy to note where I am because I will always remember where I was.

Months ago I lost you; in losing you I lost myself. We were both lost trying to be there for each other when God knew it wasn’t the best thing for our plan. We had to learn, we engaged in each other through a different modality and months later are finally able to interact with love and positivity. I’m thankful for you because you allowed me to be seen. Irregardless of how hurt you have made me, I have loved you and will love you because of the repository of memories that are prevalent in the making of our identities. I love you, and I know you love me too.

As the saying goes, if you love something let it go. If it comes back – it was meant to be. I will find myself, I will become the best version of myself but I will acknowledge every step like I’ve acknowledged the steps I took to get to where I am. I’m growing, 23 years old and have a whole life ahead of me. If I don’t dream for myself then who am I dreaming for. I know that my path will be a non-traditional one but it is going to be authentically me.

I am where I need to be.

I feel like I’m behind but I’m not. I feel like I haven’t been doing what I need to do but I have been. I am exactly where I need to be & I’m also happy to know that I can accomplish everything I set my mind to. I might fluctuate a bit, but I’m not going anywhere. I believe in myself, I believe in the people around me and I believe in the people that believe in me.

This quarter was really hard – but she’s not going to win.

Diamonds that look like Swarovski

I’m a fake ass jewel chasing my dreams on this barren land. I’m learning more about myself than I ever have in my life. Even Demi tweeted that she’s learned more about herself than she ever has in her whole life.

I am becoming a diamond. In the process of the ashes i’ve been pulverized to I’m finding comfort in the dirt. Through using the pain of my ashes and those of the space around me I’m putting time, energy, and concentration into versions of myself that are coming out glorious. From the little diamonds I solidify a part of my path that I know will allow me to take it to the next level. I use my little diamonds to clear up some of the ashes that are no longer necessary, clearing out the work station as I grow.

I learn to become a better version of myself through the ashes, I’m in another pile now separated from the parts of myself the are already formed and my maker is watching the ashes interact.

I think this is what it feels like where I am currently at. This is what it feels like to burn the memories of a being and grow from the ashes. You’ve burned me, but I was not scorched. Like a Phoenix I took the position I was in and crystalized myself – saving pieces of myself for the next life I was to become.

From A to B to C

This past Monday I was called a “Gross Ass Bitch” and told to “Get the Fuck Away From Here!” when I went to pick up an old best friend (A). For some context i’ll write about how I experienced this situation below as an archive of my feelings, glitz and woes about this experience and why in order for me to continue to grow I need to step away from the people that were once in my life. I’m hurt, and i’m not going to apologize for the way that I feel and processed this in the eyes against these men.

I received a call when I was with another friend (Friend B) that “why hadn’t I shown up?” or “why was I sending someone to voicemail” when my call log shows no recollection of these attempts. If you really tried calling me 2-3 times, show me the receipts. Because I didn’t answer this supposed call I was told that they weren’t going to go anymore and decided he would drive himself. Needless to say, I asked my other friend (B) if she thought we should stop by (just to check on this person) before we all ended up at another friends house (Friend C).

I show up with (B) to (A)’s apartment and immediately know that something seemed a bit off. I called A on their cell phone and was sent directly to voicemail. I had friend B call A and B’s call was ignored (meaning it rang 5 times and went to vm). I ask C what we should do since A isn’t responding and C says to just pick him up and then we’ll figure it out. B decides to go wait in the car (fair enough) so I decide why not try calling one more time now that its basically only me outside of A’s apartment.

I called A and immediately the phone is answered, it’s like he was waiting for it to just be us so that he can pounce. I’m on the phone with him asking if he’s going to come and he just says “no! I’m not going to come! You don’t care about me!” Keep in mind that A doesn’t really talk to me anymore, I text that bitch to have a good day all the time but i’m still treated with disrespect. So I realize that A is literally on the other side of the curtain so I hang up and say, “I’m not here for your bad attitude A, I’m here to hang out and have a good day with friends. If you wanna come lemme know.” As i’m stating this the only words being screamed to me are “You’re such a gross ass bitch Camila. Stop being such a bitch. Get the fuck out of here!”

I hear these words and immediately am shocked, this bitch can literally hide behind a screen and throw their words but in person they’re one of the most docile beings out there. So I left. I told B what A had said, B said that it was a disgusting moment to live through and they would’ve done the same. I show up to C’s house and the first fucking question i’m asked is, “What did you do?” Apparently A had already called C crying and then i’m asked what did I do? What did I do? Really? Thats one of the last straws and was my most apparent thought. It was like this man was saying his brother is hurt and I caused it. I was in the wrong because A had already spoken to C crying about them not coming and being left behind.

Would you have done the same? Would you have waited for this asshole who made you feel like a piece of shit to get out of their apartment so that they can still get in YOUR car so you can take them to something their going to be complaining the whole day at? I didn’t think so. I didn’t think that you would let somebody call you a gross ass bitch and you still talk to them the same? I didn’t think that for one second you would actually put yourself in my shoes and hear my story out. I wasted my time and energy on you for YOUR OWN BENEFIT! Really!? Being your friend brought about a lot of positivity, it also brought about a lot of negativity as your partner and you couldn’t get over that.

You don’t think I know that you don’t see me? You don’t think I know that you no longer believe the name Ernie even if it were to dick slap you in the face?

I know you don’t see me. I won’t ever send you bad vibes, because even when you’re struggling with your mental health I will always be there for you. In reality, I need to be there for myself because you won’t be there for me like you promised. I won’t be this “friend for a long time” because you broke this.

I’ve asked you to be honest to me and I’ve always gotten the worst responses. You didn’t love me for over a year basically but didn’t want to let me go? You knew you were not in love with Camila yet were here for me when I was in the hardest time of my life? You left me Manny. You went to Mexico to figure yourself out and in the process you left me. You are guilty of our friendship because just like I’m not over you I can feel that you’re not over me. YET YOU DO NOT CARE. I’m hurting a lot, I wish it didn’t hurt this much thinking over and over what it must be to hang out with you again. I wish I didn’t hurt time and time again over me replaying what occurred this week and thinking i’m the one at fault.

You always did know how to make me feel crazy…

Happiest Alone

Honestly I miss myself. I miss the happiness I had inside of myself. I miss knowing that I didn’t have anybody to look forward to.

I don’t even think about you that often, I just think about you. It just so happens that recently its been in the presence of another person. They said you don’t even think about me a fraction of the time and I’ll get used to that. You’ve always treated me like shit but how much shit do I have to take?

I’m learning to become myself more & embrace the person I am meant to become. To become myself I must first lose some of the people closest to me. As stated earlier, in chaos comes beauty. I need to break myself so that I can beautifully grow into another being, another form of myself that is keen on their experience and growth.

I’m not a gross ass bitch. I don’t have to think in the image that you see me in because I know that I’m going to do better.

Allowing Yourself

I should only allow myself to have things in my life that are better for me. If you’re not going to care, then I can’t put in double or triple what you’re doing.

I’m gonna dip, it was nice being your best friend when we were. Thank you for what you’ve taught me, and good luck on yourself. 🙂

Enjoying Myself

It’s time to enjoy myself and also enjoy my process. I’m becoming the person I am meant to be, things are being acknowledged and the truth is setting us all free. What happened the other day, aka earlier today, was not a mistake but an opening into this life I am growing into.

It is exciting to know that I am becoming who I need to become, I am turning into the queen / king I want to be. Honestly, I’m fucking happy. I’m happy with myself, I’m happy with my life, and I’m even more happy to know that I don’t have conversations that I can’t talk about. I’ve changed as a being and as a person; I am becoming myself.

To become myself is to grow away from you but also from all of you. In order for me to get closer to myself I need to allow myself to be a part of the process. I need to mend my body as it goes through it’s wave of emotions and grows into its authentic form; a being broken in pieces but happy to stand strong.

I learned from you that I needed to see myself, and through the love I still have for you I will be here in whatever way you need. At least I’m not hurting anymore, I’m becoming me.