Losing Life.

To Maribel.

The first thing I would say to you if I got to see you again is tell you how much you’ve impacted the lives around me. If I got the opportunity to see you, to hold you, or to even just breathe in your space I’d let you know how much your positivity and energy surrounded the very room you come in. You fill the air with life and love and in the end here we are.

If I were to spend just one day sad about something i’m sure the first reaction would be finding something to do that would cheer me up. I’ve found myself thinking more and more about the very space you’ve gotten in my heart and the heart of those around us. I think back on my friend Michael and know that you’ve touched his heart the most. As a twin I know how hard it is to lose your other half, and as a friend I can never know how hard it is to lose a sister.

I think back on your life and all I want to remind myself is that nothing is guaranteed. Nothing in life is guaranteed and nothing in life is going to be handed to somebody. Maribel, you fought for your space. You fought for school, you maintained your academics and still supported the backing of a sisterhood that you found. You’re presence, and still lingering presence, reminds me that today of all days I should stick to what I say. I should honor my life, my body, my soul and the work that I imbue. I fall back on this idea that you knew how to live and knew how to love.

I’m lost at not knowing how to be myself and sadly, even as I know the solution I can’t seem to bring myself to it. I allow myself to stay in it for the sole process of us living together. Acknowledge this all. Acknowledge the lack of life you’re living.

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Next [Right] Move

By seeing my own limitations I am learning to see the world differently. I am seeing where I end and where others begin. By thriving in this unsolicited space of peace, a place of knowing and unknowing I have seem to have lost myself. When I think of the things I draw back on I clearly remember passion, love, and soul. I oozed this and where did it go? I tend to fall back on this idea that one must always be composed, that society expects one to imbue strength, courage and maintain an image. I think that I’m learning to be myself as I’m learning to let go of parts of me as well. The unlearning is uncomfortable; this is followed by lots of doubt. I think the process of learning who I am, who she is, and who he is finally getting to me. 

I am her, she is me, and we are one. Being bi-gendered is realizing you’re not just one person. You are pursuing a life within one body. You learn the words and you learn to work with it. But seriously, Ernie fix your shit. 

Long Overdue.

4.38pm 

Long overdue. 

It has been a long time since i've given myself the ability to write but after watching upper east side drama from Manhattan I figured why not write about the drama of my own. 

Drama may not be the best word as I try to refrain from most mishaps but words like journey, transition, and finding myself hit closer to home. I find myself writing this trying to keep in mind simple rules that will allow me to express myself. I like to refer to this voice inside of me as the rage of a 1,000 drag queens. It is a moment in my life in which i'm learning that instead of keeping everything inside my head as usual I should really write and delve into the formation of myself and who I am. The question of, "Who am I?" gives me images of both law and public policy, glitz and glam, and everything in between. I see new friends and old, new pasts and old secrets, skeletons and openness and nevertheless an abyss of a lifestyle that I have not been owning. 

I'm only guilt of one thing and that is giving myself the life I think I deserve. I reflect on my past and think of the countless hours slaved away figuring out the problems of the organizations around me and not facing the problems of myself. I think of my emphasis on Ernesto and Ernie but never on the person inside whose dying to get some room. The business lawyer chic whose itching to go to law school, grad school and then work in Trans Law. 

When we think of labels we tend to refer to them for nutrition facts, boyfriends, names of buildings but one label dawns the most. Trans. The word Trans is who I am, it is what I identify as. I live my life thinking that in the future will be a better time to go through with surgery and such because I know it will make me happy. To have a person inside of you who doesn't get air time is like having a thought of internally imploding whilst having the rage of a thousand drag queens inside. Its this boring passion that i've lived. Its because of her, because of my that I am who I am today. 
"Sometimes, following the rules is not the best way to get by. It's not that you should go around breaking the rules on purpose today, but you shouldn't be afraid to work outside the norm. Make your own guidelines. As long as you're not hurting someone else, you can do what you think is right -- even if those in charge don't agree. Be willing to explain your actions and there is no one you can't persuade to your way of thinking. You are a powerful force to be reckoned with." - Astrology.com 
I will listen to my horoscope today and follow what everybody else sees and believes in me. I am a kind person, I am a woman, I am enough. 
21.39pm 

Camila La Loca. 

Be Zen. - Larissa. My mind is not at peace but it finally getting to some sort of clarity. I was thinking of labels in which we tend to refer to them for nutrition facts, boyfriends, names of buildings but one label dawns the most. Trans. The word Trans is who I am, it is what I identify as.