Wanting Dick but Wanting Myself More

Balls and dick hanging so low I can almost taste it.

This is exactly what is on my mind besides all this work. I’m craving dick, but I’m a picky bitch who doesn’t want to share herself with anyone but that one particular energy. For me, sharing my body is an act of resistance that the two of us are doing together.

I think of it as this unimaginable act which allows me to experience ecstasy with another being. Together in the sheets, we meet at a point in our lives where we feel comfortable enough to do this. I’m seeing their body, they’re seeing mine and we are allowing ourselves to feel Natasha’s fantasy by releasing these inhibitions.

This is sex for me. It is a moment where I want to be with you, to be in you, for you to be in me and for us to feel free, if only for a moment. I share myself with you, I share my essence, aura, and being with you and for once I’m filled.

I know what it feels like to give yourself and not get anything in return. To be filled yet not full, to be alone when you’re in a room of other people. This space is a space I no longer want to inhibit, I want to grow away from this past. I will grow away and I will age unapologetically into the fierce translatina I know.

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Words that Pierce Me

Even on this last day these words pierce me. I’m thrown off, but i’m more stable than i’ve ever been.

Take a Sip, It’ll Last Longer

I tend to write on here most in moments of chaos. I find solemn in the way that my phalanges interact with the keyboard. They become a sort of cataclysmic event in which my thought and action are put together to form a body of text that encapsulates what I’m currently feeling.

I state this because this week in particular i’ve had a hard time finding my voice through text. In order to get better I have to remind myself to practice. I have to write in many voices, practice each one and craft them into archives or repositories of beings in which I am able to pull out of my rolodex.

I’m excited to see the next version of myself I can become because I can taste it on the tip of my tongue like butter. I know I’m going to be happy, i’m going to be able to delve further into myself, what I want to do and who I am meant to be. I want to see how this being interacts with others around me.

I believe although last night might have not been the success necessary for the current version of myself I believe it allowed me to extricate a streamlined pattern of thought that is preparing me for the future. Signing up to visit 5 Law schools is not a look in the past, but a look into my future. In surrounding myself within this culture I am peeping at my future, I am watching it lay out in front of me through the haze that once was.

Like Mattie Mae, I needed to do it alone and that’s what I needed to learn. Nobody is going to be able to do this for me, but me.

Things I Would Rather Be Doing Other Than This Paper

  • Have my legs behind my head as I’m getting tongue fucked by this random grindr hookup who I don’t know
  • Smoke
  • Write a Love Letter
  • Plan a Spontaneous Trip to a Location
  • Apply to Jobs
  • Another Resume
  • Another Cover Letter
  • Another Distraction
  • Dick
  • More Rimjobs, this time I’ll give it
  • Take Raunchy Photos of Myself for the new snapchat people I am able to entertain
  • Tumblr
  • Read my Horoscope
  • See something on Astrology
  • Watch the Sunrise
  • Catch the Sunset
  • Watch a Movie
  • Perform in a Drag Show
  • More Sex
  • Obviously I’m horny.

Making Moves (Backward)

I keep saying I’m making moves and I’m learning that I’m kinda in the same position I was a year ago. The only difference is I’m still learning to fight the way that I need to in order to get to where I need to be. Let me fight some more, I need to not give up just yet. I just need to use my drive and passion and centralize it.

I got this.

Burning Around

Yo, fuck this paper.

I don’t want to do shit. I just want to release myself creatively. Like a piece of wood I want to be split into pieces and light warmth.

If I was a fire I believe I would be a wildfire today. I would begin as a calm tame and controlled situation. Let’s say that I’m a campfire. With the hands of youth I’m gathered, put into one spot and put straw around so there is something to grab the fire. I am then tendered to into a structure that will allow for it to grow.

The children are grabbing their rocks and slowly sending sparks at my straw. Parts of me are sparking but nothing is really lighting. It isn’t until we put a little lighter fluid, something to gas me up, that I am finally able to grow. I see my sparks grow, I see my skin be consumed by this fire and I’m growing.

Finally – I’m a fire. The lighter fluid didn’t help contain me but it helped start me. Like a Phoenix i’m surrounded by the fire but not being hurt by it. I’m learning to maneuver my way in this chaos, to find myself amongst the abyss that i’m currently in. The Phoenix is not sad – she is contemplative. She is thinking of her next move, she is the leader in her life acknowledging the flight she must take to become her full self. I love this form of myself, I love this being i’ve become.

In Becoming Free

What a pleasant surprise it is to have you on my mind and next thing you know we are standing in the same room. It has always been interesting to me the way your mind works. As someone who loves you its also weird to see the memories that are made about you when you aren’t here.

I find you an interesting person, somebody with a life that if I’m honest I don’t even understand. You are different, but also you are not the same person I met those many years ago. I think we put each other through our own version of hell. I lost you, but in this process also found myself more. I became a version of myself that I understand best. Wrapped around the arms of the Divine Feminine I knew that there was a lesson to be learned after this.

I’m sitting here now, at the very Starbucks that I knew we spent countless hours studying at. You’re sitting inside, i’m outside and yet here we are. I know we won’t ever be in the same place we were, but I do know that I don’t want to be in a the place where I was lost. In finding myself I was able to grow away from our past. I am finally free.

Eureka 2.0

I’m in my Eureka moment. Like her I too was injured and asked to leave. I left in shambles and returned excited, nervous, and ready for the game. I came to fight like she came to win. I’m here to stay, do you think I can do it?

Pineapple Skies

Pineapple Skies – Promise everything is going to be alright.

You are happier bitch. For once in your life you can feel and exude this confidence that it took you years to craft. For once you have become the person you have been asking for. In the end, you even got what you asked for in the person you love the most. I asked for presence and was granted just this. I am happy to note where I am because I will always remember where I was.

Months ago I lost you; in losing you I lost myself. We were both lost trying to be there for each other when God knew it wasn’t the best thing for our plan. We had to learn, we engaged in each other through a different modality and months later are finally able to interact with love and positivity. I’m thankful for you because you allowed me to be seen. Irregardless of how hurt you have made me, I have loved you and will love you because of the repository of memories that are prevalent in the making of our identities. I love you, and I know you love me too.

As the saying goes, if you love something let it go. If it comes back – it was meant to be. I will find myself, I will become the best version of myself but I will acknowledge every step like I’ve acknowledged the steps I took to get to where I am. I’m growing, 23 years old and have a whole life ahead of me. If I don’t dream for myself then who am I dreaming for. I know that my path will be a non-traditional one but it is going to be authentically me.

I am where I need to be.

I feel like I’m behind but I’m not. I feel like I haven’t been doing what I need to do but I have been. I am exactly where I need to be & I’m also happy to know that I can accomplish everything I set my mind to. I might fluctuate a bit, but I’m not going anywhere. I believe in myself, I believe in the people around me and I believe in the people that believe in me.

This quarter was really hard – but she’s not going to win.