(Un)Satisfied

I find myself a person (un)satisfied with the life that i’m living because of the physical body that is displayed. I find myself thinking about this beautiful life i’ve been given and granted. In my head, to be two people at the same time always is exhausting and I find myself lost in this process. I’m wearing the same parts yet I call myself something else. Does anybody else have this problem? I’m unsatisfied at the fact that i’m still hiding from my family yet this raging kween inside me is dying to come out. I feel fucking fabulous and I wake up feeling fucking fabulous. Through these “windows” in my body i’ve learned to mend my broken soul. Through glitz, glamour, and gloss this girl becomes real. Through finding myself within this discovery I’ve found more about the personal me that i’ve ever thought. I’ve met a version of myself that has continuously been around. This version of me has been craving the spotlight, she’s craving to get out and i’m craving to show her.

I have to be honest and say that I’m generally a happy person. I find joy in the way that i’ve always lived my life but what’s holding me back has also been the thing helping me throughout the past couple months. I need to become who I once was. I need to become the snake slithering through the wall. I need to become this person who drew strength from their weakness. I’m happy, i’m sad and i’m also neither. I’m me. I’m confused. I’m all versions of me at all times. I just need to be free. I need to find what makes me tick, what makes me happy. Who is this woman, and if i’m only 21 what am I going to be like when Grad school comes around. What am I going to be like with the next person I date? How are they going to understand my physical exterior is different from the person that I live inside my mind? How are they going to react that I just won’t be a happy person daily because sometimes it is weeks before I throw a fresh face on?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just a sob story. I’m a happy person. I’m learning to see my life as a mess of positives and not just another person going through personal shit. I’m learning to teach myself the difference from being sad and being bored. It is only a couple weeks until i’m 22 and I think this is what is scaring me the most. I’ve found myself infatuated with the thought of learning to love myself quickly but this isn’t just one day and I’m okay. This is a new lifestyle, a new imagination, a new life, a new person with the assets of all my old tricks. You are my passion, you are my love. You are my priority and before anything else I need to make sure we are both okay. I need to make sure that my physical self and my mental self are connected?

 

Camila Takeover.

I have to raise a glass to the people who say that Monday is their favorite day. I believe Mondays are appealing when there is something to look forward to, I’ve tended to abide by this to make every day  special in its own way. Well, to the best of my advantage, I’ve tried to see the ways in which my geospatial location has allowed me to have access to things other people don’t traditionally have. I find myself infatuated with my spatial surrounding  in the way that I’ve learned to harvest some happiness about the space. To think optimistically about Santa Barbara is to understand that we are surrounded by both the oceans and the cliffs. From the hills to the pier one is able to enjoy the quiet nature of daily living. Life is definitely slower here but what does this mean to me when Mondays roll around and my mind is still racing?
I feel as if though i’ve left my mind and heart both in Chicago and Denver. These two locations serve as points of discovery in my life where I felt whole. I found myself in love with the scenery, the overt queerness, and the passion from folks in the space. I’ve found myself in these locations but learning who I am, who I want to be, and who I portray has been both an everlasting internal monologue and a fight between your wants. I’m searching for peace in all the wrong places.
If I speak honestly I would consider myself a person wanting to live for life, live for the world but naming what is stopping you is your actual problem. You’ve seemed to have lost a connection within yourself that has been filled with lots of wanting. There is this person thriving off the energy of your others that is not allowing yourself to be centered. You are thrown off not at the thought of this love or person but rather you are thrown off by the wants that are centered around the idea of patriarchy. If your major hasn’t taught you to see yourself free from this independence what honestly can your fifth year provide but another year of wanting what you can’t have.  I’m okay being alone, honestly I prefer it. Right now I need a line drawn in order for me to survive because I don’t think I can go on anymore. Your head hurts, you feel tired, you aren’t even considering quitting old habits because of the safety and security that you’ve felt all this time.
I’m leading our life, and this is my decision.
I’m tired of your terrible habit of wanting sex and still getting nowhere. Instead of wanting it, just do your thing without watching porn because that doesn’t help your sex drive. I’m tired of false promises from learning languages to sending your mom photos from ages ago. Instead learn to care for people the way that they care about you. Learn to care so much it hurts. I’m tired of not exercising because eating the amount you do daily does not help. Instead learn to change the way you are to your body, the people around you and the spaces you position yourself in. Learn to be you. Learn to be Camila, the passion. Camila La Loca, Camila Camaleon.
The following is a list of goals I should try to achieve within my last days of 21.
  • Visit the beach or a viewpoint (cliff,  park,  bench) for a moment of relaxation at least once a day (minimum 15 minutes) Completed Today
  • Visit your best friend. (up to your interpretation) Next Week
  • Start GRE Practice before school starts. Do it soon
  • Be fiscally smart. You’re slowly learning.

Independent Womxn.

Being Trans is hard.
Everyday I read. Everyday I think about my own contextual analysis of this world alongside how I’m supposed to navigate myself around it. I think of how i’m gendered on site and the woman inside me screams. What i’ve been asking myself is what fuels me, and what fuels her? What fuels us? I wonder this EVERYDAY. I think about the way that I see myself in the mirror and its hard acknowledging that I know I’m not happy. I’m not happy putting tons of makeup sometimes but its honestly the only way to feel “whole.”
I know who I am. The next step is whats scaring me. I’m realizing myself, realizing a version of myself that wants more airtime. I call these pockets “windows” on my body. I find these along my tattoos, my piercings, my makeup, nail polish, and then the underwear I have. I enjoy myself. I enjoy the body that I’ve been given but I know I can be happier. Is owning my independence the problem, or is it the conscious decision of being in this form of toxicity that you can’t seem to acknowledge. Its sad knowing that you know what you have to do but it won’t be possible for the safety of yourself and the safety of the other. I’m invested, i’m involved, and I’m  definitely frazzled.
Day 240. You have 34 days until your birthday. 34 days until your brother’s birthday as well. 35 days until your other brothers birthday. By watching the way my mom grew with herself and us with her I can see the way independence has been a common theme. I think of my mom as the root of a lot of power in my life. I find myself consumed at the idea of the strength that she has and the strength that I have. In 34 days I want the following reports back and progress tracked here.
The following is a list of goals I should try to achieve within my last days of 21.
  • Visit the beach or a viewpoint (cliff,  park,  bench) for a moment of relaxation at least once a day (minimum 15 minutes)
  • Visit your best friend. (up to your interpretation)
  • Start GRE Practice before school starts.
  • Be fiscally smart.
Lets start there, copy + paste the following goals and add more to the list as you provide updates about the progress. Your mind is hungry, and this writing has definitely covered a craving that hasn’t been open in quite a while.