I feel her.

You are in me. 

You are near me, you are in me and you are around me.

You are me. 

You are me at three, you are me at five, you are me at six, you are me when I’m around a lot of dicks. 

My body is yours. From my curves, to my fingertips, to the very ends of every hair follicle on my body you are me. 

You are me from the past and an unknown future. You are the colliding of two dimensions crashing into a corporeal presence of being. 

I make you. I make you with our clammy hands, 10 brushes, 5 sponges, 3 wig caps, 15 Bobby pins and even the fucking fake eyelashes that glue together this notion of a “drag queen.” 

You are a queen. You’re a queen of a land inside of you unknown to the naked eye. You’re a queen from the white snowcap covered mountains to the deepest point in the ocean 20,000 leagues under the sea. 

I make you. I make you and I break you, I am you and you are me. Together there is a “we” that is not seen, not apparent yet so obvious. This “we” becomes a sort of dance in our body in which we are both leading and following, learning and unlearning, gasping for air at the thought of a day outside.

I make you like I make my perception of the earth around me grow. I grow as you grow, I weed the bad parts of my life as I quickly discover rot on other areas of my garden. I am a gardener, a tender and distributor of love, nutrients, sustenance and a hope at a life yet to be made. 

I feel you. I feel you inside my life the scratching of a cat wanting to be let inside, like the feeling of starting up your car in the morning when it’s really cold, like the feeling of being stuck in traffic and having to pee, and even like the feeling of accidentally prickling your thumb while putting buttons up. This is you. You are the feeling of a being inside of me, a feeling of a longing I’ve yet to master.

We are seekers. We are seekers of knowledge, love, lust and power. I think that you mindlessly scroll through dating apps hoping to find somebody that will change the perception of what this area is. You expect something different, better, bigger and almost better yet nothing is ahead. This uncertainty, this feeling of angst is shrouded by false interactions, false intentions, false profiles, false advertising and false abs. This feeling of uncertainty is the embodiment of hours of scrolling through an application in which you are interested in no one and yet still everyone. You are a kid in the candy store whining that there are no options when a single piece of Tootsie-Roll was handed to you in a silver plater. 

I say silver because you want gold. We want gold. I feel you like I see gold. I feel you in gold. Gold medals, gold earrings, gold plated 4 inch platform shoes with red trim, 24k gold flaked pizza, gold shimmer for a night out and even gold underwear. 

Here I am in the present tense only knowing what I’ve been taught and dissecting parts of me I’ve yet to realize. I call this present tense the self which is made from my last year,  my last week and my last night. I think of myself as a being coming to terms with this concept bigender. What is it, and, what am I? 

For now, I feel you.

(Un)Satisfied

I find myself a person (un)satisfied with the life that i’m living because of the physical body that is displayed. I find myself thinking about this beautiful life i’ve been given and granted. In my head, to be two people at the same time always is exhausting and I find myself lost in this process. I’m wearing¬†the same parts yet I call myself something else. Does anybody else have this problem? I’m unsatisfied at the fact that i’m still hiding from my family yet this raging kween inside me is dying to come out. I feel fucking fabulous and I wake up feeling fucking fabulous. Through these “windows” in my body i’ve learned to mend my broken soul. Through glitz, glamour, and gloss this girl becomes real. Through finding myself within this discovery I’ve found more about the personal me that i’ve ever thought. I’ve met a version of myself that has continuously been around. This version of me has been craving the spotlight, she’s craving to get out and i’m craving to show her.

I have to be honest and say that I’m generally a happy person. I find joy in the way that i’ve always lived my life but what’s holding me back has also been the thing helping me throughout the past couple months. I need to become who I once was. I need to become the snake slithering through the wall. I need to become this person who drew strength from their weakness. I’m happy, i’m sad and i’m also neither. I’m me. I’m confused. I’m all versions of me at all times. I just need to be free. I need to find what makes me tick, what makes me happy. Who is this woman, and if i’m only 21 what am I going to be like when Grad school comes around. What am I going to be like with the next person I date? How are they going to understand my physical exterior is different from the person that I live inside my mind? How are they going to react that I just won’t be a happy person daily because sometimes it is weeks before I throw a fresh face on?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just a sob story. I’m a happy person. I’m learning to see my life as a mess of positives and not just another person going through personal shit. I’m learning to teach myself the difference from being sad and being bored. It is only a couple weeks until i’m 22 and I think this is what is scaring me the most. I’ve found myself infatuated with the thought of learning to love myself quickly but this isn’t just one day and I’m okay. This is a new lifestyle, a new imagination, a new life, a new person with the assets of all my old tricks. You are my passion, you are my love. You are my priority and before anything else I need to make sure we are both okay. I need to make sure that my physical self and my mental self are connected?

 

Camila Takeover.

I have to raise a glass to the people who say that Monday is their favorite day. I believe Mondays are appealing when there is something to look forward to, I’ve tended to abide by this to make every day ¬†special in its own way. Well, to the best of my advantage, I’ve tried to see the ways in which my geospatial location has allowed me to have access to things other people don’t traditionally have. I find myself infatuated with my spatial surrounding ¬†in the way that I’ve learned to harvest some happiness about the space. To think optimistically about Santa Barbara is to understand that we are surrounded by both the oceans and the cliffs. From the hills to the pier one is able to enjoy the quiet nature of daily living. Life is definitely slower here but what does this mean to me when Mondays roll around and my mind is still racing?
I feel as if though i’ve left my mind and heart both in Chicago and Denver. These two locations serve as points of discovery in my life where I felt whole. I found myself in love with the scenery, the overt queerness, and the passion from folks in the space. I’ve found myself in these locations but learning who I am, who I want to be, and who I portray has been both an everlasting internal monologue and a fight between your wants. I’m searching for peace in all the wrong places.
If I speak honestly I would consider myself a person wanting to live for life, live for the world but naming what is stopping you is your actual problem. You’ve seemed to have lost a connection within yourself that has been filled with lots of wanting. There is this person thriving off the energy of your others that is not allowing yourself to be centered. You are thrown off not at the thought of this love or person but rather you are thrown off by the wants that are centered around the idea of patriarchy. If your major hasn’t taught you to see yourself free from this independence what honestly can your fifth year provide but another year of wanting what you can’t have. ¬†I’m okay being alone, honestly I prefer it. Right now I need a line drawn in order for me to survive because I don’t think I can go on anymore. Your head hurts, you feel tired, you aren’t even considering quitting old habits because of the safety and security that you’ve felt all this time.
I’m leading our life, and this is my decision.
I’m tired of your terrible habit of wanting sex and still getting nowhere. Instead of wanting it, just do your thing without watching porn because that doesn’t help your sex drive. I’m tired of false promises from learning languages to sending your mom photos from ages ago. Instead learn to care for people the way that they care about you. Learn to care so much it hurts. I’m tired of not exercising because eating the amount you do daily does not help. Instead learn to change the way you are to your body, the people around you and the spaces you position yourself in. Learn to be you. Learn to be Camila, the passion. Camila La Loca, Camila Camaleon.
The following is a list of goals I should try to achieve within my last days of 21.
  • Visit the beach or a viewpoint (cliff, ¬†park, ¬†bench) for a moment of relaxation at least once a day (minimum 15 minutes) Completed Today
  • Visit your best¬†friend. (up to your interpretation) Next Week
  • Start GRE Practice before school starts. Do it soon
  • Be fiscally smart. You’re slowly learning.

Independent Womxn.

Being Trans is hard.
Everyday I read. Everyday I think about my own contextual analysis of this world alongside how I’m supposed to navigate myself around it. I think of how i’m gendered on site and the woman inside me screams. What i’ve been asking myself is what fuels me, and what fuels her? What fuels us? I wonder this EVERYDAY. I think about the way that I see myself in the mirror and its hard acknowledging that I know I’m not happy. I’m not happy putting tons of makeup sometimes but its honestly the only way to feel “whole.”
I know who I am. The next step is whats scaring me. I’m realizing myself, realizing a version of myself that wants more airtime. I call these pockets “windows” on my body. I find these along my tattoos, my piercings, my makeup, nail polish, and then the underwear I have. I enjoy myself. I enjoy the body that I’ve been given but I know I can be happier. Is owning my independence the problem, or is it the conscious decision of being in this form of toxicity that you can’t seem to acknowledge. Its sad knowing that you know what you have to do but it won’t be possible for the safety of yourself and the safety of the other. I’m invested, i’m involved, and I’m ¬†definitely frazzled.
Day 240. You have 34 days until your birthday. 34 days until your brother’s birthday as well. 35 days until your other brothers birthday. By watching the way my mom grew with herself and us with her I can see the way independence has been a common theme. I think of my mom as the root of a lot of power in my life. I find myself consumed at the idea of the strength that she has and the strength that I have. In 34 days I want the following reports back and progress tracked here.
The following is a list of goals I should try to achieve within my last days of 21.
  • Visit the beach or a viewpoint (cliff, ¬†park, ¬†bench) for a moment of relaxation at least once a day (minimum 15 minutes)
  • Visit your best¬†friend. (up to your interpretation)
  • Start GRE Practice before school starts.
  • Be fiscally smart.
Lets start there, copy + paste the following goals and add more to the list as you provide updates about the progress. Your mind is hungry, and this writing has definitely covered a craving that hasn’t been open in quite a while.

 

Working on Myself.

The common theme of 2016 seems to be “Working on Myself.” I tend to find this both comforting and challenging to accept. Its hard to think that the people i’ve lived around my entire life are finally growing up. I take a dear friend of mine back home to see my family for another time around and I find myself thinking of the impact that my family at home and friends from high school played into my development. What space have they provided me, and what space have I created amongst this space? Am I comfortable and to what extent am I just “okay” with what my life has been at?

If I’m “working with myself” then was it wrong of me to tell my mom that I’m proud of her for owning her space. If comfort is what we seek then why does it hurt? To be a woman and own your space is to be known as a bitch. What is a bitch but a female dog, or in my opinion, a woman with a strong presence that owns themselves. I found myself amongst a sea of womxn that have come before me, chingonas that have mended the wounds of displacement in our souls. The womxn around me bury their souls into their work, my mother is a worn gardener preparing herself for her fall harvest. The letter below describes my feelings towards my mother:

Dear mother,
Thank you for everything that you’ve provided me. Thank you for showing me how hard, how beautiful, how expansive and how limited this world is. You have provided a space for me that I never thought of anything possible. I’m proud of you Mom. I’m proud of you for teaching me the hardest lesson, “tough love.” I know that it hurts. I know that you’re going to feel like you did wrong. I know that you want to feel like its going to be okay soon but remember this, you taught us well. I know he’ll be okay  because I’m okay. You’ve taught us love, strength, power but most of all individuality. You’ve raised us to be ourselves, and our truest selves. You’ve raised warriors, ready to take on the world at any point. You’ve done your job and although the future isn’t what you expected it definitely holds love and prosperity. You hold so much wisdom and its time for you to be you.
I want you to remember that you are a warrior. I want you to remember what you’ve taught us. I want you to remember that this world is yours, I want you to remember that as much as you are hurting you will prosper. You are Wonder Woman, you are an Inspiration and you are my best friend. I’ve enjoyed the time that you’ve given us in your life and  I’m excited for the life that you’re going to have beyond this. You’ve left an impact on my life and you’ve left an impact on the life of the people around you. From your friends to your own kids you radiate beauty. You see the world in a way that I’ve never understood and you accept me for who I am. You’re going to be alright kid, and I think you’re going to be better than great. 

 

To My Other Half.
I don’t know what it is but this feeling hurts. I feel tortured, threatened, happy, excited, thankful, remorse and much more these days. I can’t go to bed because the thought of my thoughts is making sure you’re safe, and what if you’re not…
I think about you not because I have to but because I want you. You, the first person to accept me, the one who was there for me since day one, the person who I share a common face with, a womb with. I think about you not only in my dreams, but why have you grown so distant. Have I grown distant, has my comfortability made you uncomfortable? Have I been overlooking my entire family and have been missing this key component? Does including him in your life make you feel better? How do you think including him in your life affects that of the people you surround yourself with, the people who would be there for you till the very last drop of your blood. I find myself perplexed, viewing every angle of how this all went down and my deepest thought lies in understanding that why am I mad…
If I’m working on myself then why does it hurt. I look back on your life and think of the lack-of the life centered around the man. You’ve put the life of a father who was never there and traded it away for the benefit of you and your dad. I’m upset, aggravated, ticked off but most of all I’m hurt. I’m hurt from the years of begging you to take me to a concert, I’m hurt from always paying when we hang out, I’m hurt from understanding why you talk to him and have yet to understand what there is for you to gain. Right now I’m hurting, but most importantly the one woman who gave up her entire life for us is hurting. She was there when nobody else wasn’t, she was there throughout the good moments and the bad. She put you through wrestling, tennis, countless other shenangans with your girlfriends, doctors appointments, paying for car accidents, credit card debt, loans and for what. She doesn’t expect anything from you and you still manage to  make this all about you. You manage to break her heart once more. It’s never been about the presents, the gifts, the material items or the amount of time you give. It was about how you treated us and how you treated them. It’s about how everyone has always put in so much work into you and you don’t seem to realize it. This is about how I feel sorry for you because I wanted to think that you had a good head on your shoulders. The thing is, you do. It frustrates me to know that even in the end of all this I still hope you’re okay. I still love you, and I’m still your brother. You’re my other half. 
So amidst this chaos comes the question, who am I? Who do I want to be? Like Ed says, “I think people should be who they want to be 100%,” and I have to agree. If I’m myself 100% then I’m working with myself, right? I’m ready to be me. And maybe this isn’t a good time but I’m ready to finally be who I was meant to be. My mom and my brother will both be happier in the long run, my mom was 21 with a pair of twins and a 1 year old daughter and I think she did an amazing job. 

Nowhere to Now Here.

I draw back on my many memories today of the different points I’ve made some form of myself public. As a public image I feel that the hardest part of growing up or coming of age was learning who I am, who I want to be, who I portray to the world and who do I see myself becoming. I find myself peering upon a map and thinking about the many locations i’ve traveled to and for FREE I might add. Through leadership development, lots of dedication and a devotion to bettering myself I found myself across the globe. I’ve made friends in places I never knew existed before, from Vancouver to Pittsburgh my life has been impacted by what i’ve seen and what is around me.
Here is a list of the places that i’ve been to and have left versions of myself behind:
  • 2012
    • San Francisco
    • San Jose
    • Sacramento
    • San Diego
  • 2013
    • Vancouver, UBC
    • Pittsburgh
    • Spokane, WA
  • 2014
    • U. La Verne
    • Eau-Claire, WI
    • San Diego
  • 2015
    • Denver, CO (Twice; Feb. & Oct)
    • Livermore
  • 2016
    • Chicago
    • Berkeley
    • Las Vegas
    • Livermore
    • Pirate’s Cove
  • Remainder of 2016
    • Portland
    • Seattle
Throughout these things one thing that remains apparent is my need to show myself more. To be more, to validate more. To be affirmed is to be real, right? I’ll see what the future has in store but for now I know that I’m me, and he’s me, they are all versions of me.