Everything Is Love

Wow Beyonce.

You really went out there and wrote the summer album we did not deserve from you. You are amazing.

Beyond this, this album truly explores a lot of intersections within her life but also allows you to reflect on your own. From Jay talking about the Louvre, to recording Apeshit she allows us to delve further into the secret life of Beyonce. This Virgo queen brings about a different side of her that we really began seeing after Beyonce – the Self-Titled album and once again when Lemonade was released.

I sit here as I know my friends are graduation and contemplate like Beyonce in Friends about the impact the they’ve had on my life. Like Beyonce I know that my friends are better than your friends, but this draws from the groups that i’ve inhibited. Beyond my current corporeal self I know there is a version of myself beyond this space that is going to thrive. I highlight Friends because I really felt like I needed this energy before I could continue.

I wanted to grow and I became. Like Beyonce I said, “fuck you!” to the things that were not benefiting me. I let go of this old idea people thought about me and made my Lemonade. Like Beyonce I thought differently and imagined a space outside of the current platforms offered. I joined a collective and together we made a team. At Beychella I found this tribe. I found a core group of Femme-Friends that I knew I can count on. The power of women ; or the power of the collective is powerful y’all. Tidal is this platform.

I joined Tidal to support the art of those artists exclusively on this path. As the great flow of life goes I know it is through these valiant efforts that one day somebody will recognize an idea I have, see my art and worth and support me. In closing I am left in surprise of this album out of nowhere! But this is not Beyonce’s first time gracing us as we close off our chapters in our current states. In the words of Britney Spears, “Oops, She did it again!”

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Bed.

“Got a bed with your name on it.”

Ariana’s new song speaks volumes to the end of Spring / beginning of Summer emotion. It delves into this feeling of knowing where you are and the person who you lay beside. When thinking of my life, I think the way that I am learning who I want to lay beside? I know one person, but as the saying goes only time can tell what this will bring about.

I’m learning to see this bed as a space that is sacred to me, it is one that allows me to be both vulnerable and strong. Who else lays on your bed besides the people that are closest to you?

In Becoming Myself – The Weed Herself

I sit here in this Gemini New Moon in 2018 knowing myself more than I ever have in the past. I acknowledge parts of me that I don’t even think really exist outside of my peripheral vision.

I’m an essence, a being floating in this world amongst these other beings blossoming into myself. In becoming authentically me I learned to shed parts of me that were no longer useful. I had to set boundaries, I grew and was stopped as I tried. I grew until I knew that there was nothing else to do but continue to grow.

I became myself, I shed parts of myself and began to see the new skin. You began to see me, I began to see me, we all began to feel free. In this we mourned, we mourned the death of the being I once was, this person I had so carefully crafted. I grew, I continued to shed parts of me even if it meant screaming in pain as they were torn from me. I grew – I hit the ceiling and knew that this was something imaginative, it was something I had fabricated that stopped me the last time I was in this position.

With all the fierceness and force of the people before me I grew into myself. I grew outward. I blossomed, pollinated, blossomed, and grew until the walls couldn’t contain my beauty. You were holding me and I had to let go…

I grew, I broke the very building I thought I originally existed in. Like nature I fought against the colonization that had been engraved on my back and grew with it. I took over the buildings, the land, the light and continued to grow. With access to air I was able to grow naturally. Through the light and H20, the light sprinkles, the morning dew I became my most authentic self. Hues of purple, blue, green, red and orange consume the very land I inhibit.

I had become myself. I broke the walls and consumed everything around me. My pieces reaching beyond their current limits. The world isn’t getting smaller, I’m only growing bigger.

I Love Me Like Kanye Loves Kanye

If I’m honest, I’m learning a lot about myself like I feel the people around me are as well. I’ve learned that you learn to see the archetypes of beings that are around you through the sociopolitical spaces you inhabit. I’m learning more about myself, the world, the way I interact with the world and also my positionality even as I write this right now.

Here are some things that i’ve compiled that I “know” about myself through this experiment I’ve been doing:

Performer, Dancer, Daddy, Trans, Drag, Lawyer, Man, Woman, Charming, Bitch, Loca

This experiment is one where I listen more, I listen to the adjectives that people use to describe me and I consolidate them into a word that will go into my identity board. This board is an ongoing process, it will definitely change through the methods I do it but right now it can best be done visually and in my face when I go through my closet.

I love me, like Kanye loves Kanye. This says a lot in today’s society, it inhibits a space that really delves into the meaning of who we are as beings. We speak of our primal innate ability to think, to know, to inhibit and to grow and we learn to see ourselves through the way people see you. The experiment is tied into my self-love because the being I see is a combination of these things but also all at the same time.

My constant question recently has been, “Who Am I?” when in reality it should be, “Who do I want to be?” I know who I am, but in order to get to where I want to go I need to break the prisons of my minds and release into this new being. I’m both, my life has always been both and will continue to be both for years to come.

Thank you Kanye for giving us a lesson on love.

The Camaleón’s Quench

I think I just saw you.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that the energy you’re surrounded by seems too familiar? Have you ever looked around in a room and could swear in your heart that you’ve been in this situation before?

I do, I believe as I grow further into my process I’m beginning to see the pockets in which reality is created and augmented by the level of energy you interact with it. I state this from my perspective with wanting to see myself and be my free Camila-ness. I say this from the experience of knowing I just need to make time to do the things I want to put forth.

What tomorrow marks is not just another transformation but it is a time in which I’m putting my cards out on the table and seeing what can become of this. Company retention is key, but am I setting myself up for failure or am I psyching myself out of something that could potentially grow. If there’s one thing I learned more than anything is that I’m worth it; my perspective is valid and I need to be there for myself more than I would be there for my own family.

I’m growing, and I don’t think I will ever stop growing. Growing into the women I am today took a lot of grief, as I said with a colleague of mine earlier, “I felt like I lost a part of myself moving home,” in which we rooted it in a sense to forgot who we are. I perform for my comfort, I volunteer for my comfort, and I’m leaving for my comfort.

Why do I feel selfish for putting myself first? Why do I feel I’m going to lose people along the way? Why am I thinking that to grow I must really grow out of myself?

I believe I’m there; I’ve said that I’m ready but never acknowledged it through written language. Through this page, this platform I acknowledge where I’m at. My name is Camila – this is my story.

Salt on a Wound.

Everyone always talks about the term salt on a wound as if though it is something you would do or see occurring often nowadays. Overtime I hear the statement I think about the ability of someone to physically grab salt, a tiny particle, and rub / seep / smother / sprinkle like the meme salt on top of an open wound.

Talking to you is this feeling. It is the feeling of knowing there is a gash in  my heart that you opened like the other people before me. As odd as it sounds, I’m glad. I’m glad because we aren’t wasting each other’s time anymore. I think you deserve to be happy; in your own way and on your own. Just as much as I think you deserve, I will promise myself two-times better.

Starting today I will appreciate the positive. Si, estamos loca, pero no estupida. If you even want to consider the thought of staying friends we are going to have to change our ways.

  1. I’m going to have to teach myself to accept the standards and limits that you have on our friendship – I will do this by not being a crazy ass heaux that is constantly messaging you, asking how your friends are, and ask what you’re doing constantly. Basically, let’s keep it at the level he presents.
  2. I’m going to learn how to love myself – I will do this with lots of masturbation, selfies, mirrors, painting my face, and putting myself first and foremost.
  3. Nobody is perfect – simple as that.
  4. 2018 will be your year – We will do this.
  5. Always we – never me.

 

I feel her.

You are in me. 

You are near me, you are in me and you are around me.

You are me. 

You are me at three, you are me at five, you are me at six, you are me when I’m around a lot of dicks. 

My body is yours. From my curves, to my fingertips, to the very ends of every hair follicle on my body you are me. 

You are me from the past and an unknown future. You are the colliding of two dimensions crashing into a corporeal presence of being. 

I make you. I make you with our clammy hands, 10 brushes, 5 sponges, 3 wig caps, 15 Bobby pins and even the fucking fake eyelashes that glue together this notion of a “drag queen.” 

You are a queen. You’re a queen of a land inside of you unknown to the naked eye. You’re a queen from the white snowcap covered mountains to the deepest point in the ocean 20,000 leagues under the sea. 

I make you. I make you and I break you, I am you and you are me. Together there is a “we” that is not seen, not apparent yet so obvious. This “we” becomes a sort of dance in our body in which we are both leading and following, learning and unlearning, gasping for air at the thought of a day outside.

I make you like I make my perception of the earth around me grow. I grow as you grow, I weed the bad parts of my life as I quickly discover rot on other areas of my garden. I am a gardener, a tender and distributor of love, nutrients, sustenance and a hope at a life yet to be made. 

I feel you. I feel you inside my life the scratching of a cat wanting to be let inside, like the feeling of starting up your car in the morning when it’s really cold, like the feeling of being stuck in traffic and having to pee, and even like the feeling of accidentally prickling your thumb while putting buttons up. This is you. You are the feeling of a being inside of me, a feeling of a longing I’ve yet to master.

We are seekers. We are seekers of knowledge, love, lust and power. I think that you mindlessly scroll through dating apps hoping to find somebody that will change the perception of what this area is. You expect something different, better, bigger and almost better yet nothing is ahead. This uncertainty, this feeling of angst is shrouded by false interactions, false intentions, false profiles, false advertising and false abs. This feeling of uncertainty is the embodiment of hours of scrolling through an application in which you are interested in no one and yet still everyone. You are a kid in the candy store whining that there are no options when a single piece of Tootsie-Roll was handed to you in a silver plater. 

I say silver because you want gold. We want gold. I feel you like I see gold. I feel you in gold. Gold medals, gold earrings, gold plated 4 inch platform shoes with red trim, 24k gold flaked pizza, gold shimmer for a night out and even gold underwear. 

Here I am in the present tense only knowing what I’ve been taught and dissecting parts of me I’ve yet to realize. I call this present tense the self which is made from my last year,  my last week and my last night. I think of myself as a being coming to terms with this concept bigender. What is it, and, what am I? 

For now, I feel you.

(Un)Satisfied

I find myself a person (un)satisfied with the life that i’m living because of the physical body that is displayed. I find myself thinking about this beautiful life i’ve been given and granted. In my head, to be two people at the same time always is exhausting and I find myself lost in this process. I’m wearing the same parts yet I call myself something else. Does anybody else have this problem? I’m unsatisfied at the fact that i’m still hiding from my family yet this raging kween inside me is dying to come out. I feel fucking fabulous and I wake up feeling fucking fabulous. Through these “windows” in my body i’ve learned to mend my broken soul. Through glitz, glamour, and gloss this girl becomes real. Through finding myself within this discovery I’ve found more about the personal me that i’ve ever thought. I’ve met a version of myself that has continuously been around. This version of me has been craving the spotlight, she’s craving to get out and i’m craving to show her.

I have to be honest and say that I’m generally a happy person. I find joy in the way that i’ve always lived my life but what’s holding me back has also been the thing helping me throughout the past couple months. I need to become who I once was. I need to become the snake slithering through the wall. I need to become this person who drew strength from their weakness. I’m happy, i’m sad and i’m also neither. I’m me. I’m confused. I’m all versions of me at all times. I just need to be free. I need to find what makes me tick, what makes me happy. Who is this woman, and if i’m only 21 what am I going to be like when Grad school comes around. What am I going to be like with the next person I date? How are they going to understand my physical exterior is different from the person that I live inside my mind? How are they going to react that I just won’t be a happy person daily because sometimes it is weeks before I throw a fresh face on?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just a sob story. I’m a happy person. I’m learning to see my life as a mess of positives and not just another person going through personal shit. I’m learning to teach myself the difference from being sad and being bored. It is only a couple weeks until i’m 22 and I think this is what is scaring me the most. I’ve found myself infatuated with the thought of learning to love myself quickly but this isn’t just one day and I’m okay. This is a new lifestyle, a new imagination, a new life, a new person with the assets of all my old tricks. You are my passion, you are my love. You are my priority and before anything else I need to make sure we are both okay. I need to make sure that my physical self and my mental self are connected?

 

Camila Takeover.

I have to raise a glass to the people who say that Monday is their favorite day. I believe Mondays are appealing when there is something to look forward to, I’ve tended to abide by this to make every day  special in its own way. Well, to the best of my advantage, I’ve tried to see the ways in which my geospatial location has allowed me to have access to things other people don’t traditionally have. I find myself infatuated with my spatial surrounding  in the way that I’ve learned to harvest some happiness about the space. To think optimistically about Santa Barbara is to understand that we are surrounded by both the oceans and the cliffs. From the hills to the pier one is able to enjoy the quiet nature of daily living. Life is definitely slower here but what does this mean to me when Mondays roll around and my mind is still racing?
I feel as if though i’ve left my mind and heart both in Chicago and Denver. These two locations serve as points of discovery in my life where I felt whole. I found myself in love with the scenery, the overt queerness, and the passion from folks in the space. I’ve found myself in these locations but learning who I am, who I want to be, and who I portray has been both an everlasting internal monologue and a fight between your wants. I’m searching for peace in all the wrong places.
If I speak honestly I would consider myself a person wanting to live for life, live for the world but naming what is stopping you is your actual problem. You’ve seemed to have lost a connection within yourself that has been filled with lots of wanting. There is this person thriving off the energy of your others that is not allowing yourself to be centered. You are thrown off not at the thought of this love or person but rather you are thrown off by the wants that are centered around the idea of patriarchy. If your major hasn’t taught you to see yourself free from this independence what honestly can your fifth year provide but another year of wanting what you can’t have.  I’m okay being alone, honestly I prefer it. Right now I need a line drawn in order for me to survive because I don’t think I can go on anymore. Your head hurts, you feel tired, you aren’t even considering quitting old habits because of the safety and security that you’ve felt all this time.
I’m leading our life, and this is my decision.
I’m tired of your terrible habit of wanting sex and still getting nowhere. Instead of wanting it, just do your thing without watching porn because that doesn’t help your sex drive. I’m tired of false promises from learning languages to sending your mom photos from ages ago. Instead learn to care for people the way that they care about you. Learn to care so much it hurts. I’m tired of not exercising because eating the amount you do daily does not help. Instead learn to change the way you are to your body, the people around you and the spaces you position yourself in. Learn to be you. Learn to be Camila, the passion. Camila La Loca, Camila Camaleon.
The following is a list of goals I should try to achieve within my last days of 21.
  • Visit the beach or a viewpoint (cliff,  park,  bench) for a moment of relaxation at least once a day (minimum 15 minutes) Completed Today
  • Visit your best friend. (up to your interpretation) Next Week
  • Start GRE Practice before school starts. Do it soon
  • Be fiscally smart. You’re slowly learning.

Independent Womxn.

Being Trans is hard.
Everyday I read. Everyday I think about my own contextual analysis of this world alongside how I’m supposed to navigate myself around it. I think of how i’m gendered on site and the woman inside me screams. What i’ve been asking myself is what fuels me, and what fuels her? What fuels us? I wonder this EVERYDAY. I think about the way that I see myself in the mirror and its hard acknowledging that I know I’m not happy. I’m not happy putting tons of makeup sometimes but its honestly the only way to feel “whole.”
I know who I am. The next step is whats scaring me. I’m realizing myself, realizing a version of myself that wants more airtime. I call these pockets “windows” on my body. I find these along my tattoos, my piercings, my makeup, nail polish, and then the underwear I have. I enjoy myself. I enjoy the body that I’ve been given but I know I can be happier. Is owning my independence the problem, or is it the conscious decision of being in this form of toxicity that you can’t seem to acknowledge. Its sad knowing that you know what you have to do but it won’t be possible for the safety of yourself and the safety of the other. I’m invested, i’m involved, and I’m  definitely frazzled.
Day 240. You have 34 days until your birthday. 34 days until your brother’s birthday as well. 35 days until your other brothers birthday. By watching the way my mom grew with herself and us with her I can see the way independence has been a common theme. I think of my mom as the root of a lot of power in my life. I find myself consumed at the idea of the strength that she has and the strength that I have. In 34 days I want the following reports back and progress tracked here.
The following is a list of goals I should try to achieve within my last days of 21.
  • Visit the beach or a viewpoint (cliff,  park,  bench) for a moment of relaxation at least once a day (minimum 15 minutes)
  • Visit your best friend. (up to your interpretation)
  • Start GRE Practice before school starts.
  • Be fiscally smart.
Lets start there, copy + paste the following goals and add more to the list as you provide updates about the progress. Your mind is hungry, and this writing has definitely covered a craving that hasn’t been open in quite a while.