He Asked to Ride My Face

I’m so happy we all got laid tonight is really how I feel right now. I’ve been skeptical about my desire – in the aftermath of everything that occurred with him it was about time for me to feel myself for myself.

Going over tonight showed me the level where I’m currently at. I’m a trans women who is comfortable navigating herself as a gay man around these premises. In the context of the fun that I enjoy having: I am a secret ninja top whose aggressiveness brings out the naughtiest inside of people. I’m a being sharing myself with people of mutual interest.

He was 21 years old, smoked mokes and just finished his last quarter. His name was AJ (which I doubt is true) but it is a name I won’t forget. With this person moving as well it makes me think of this ticking time bomb that hasn’t fully exploded on me.

His moke smoking reminded me of times I would kiss my ex. Or of the times when I would enjoy leisure time with the plug. My life has definitely circulated around these circles but as long as I’m being safe I found power in my agency to choose what I do with my body.

I was distracted tonight – DICKstracted if you want to call it that but I am definitely doing what makes me feel free. You know what – I’m doing what makes me feel like me. Tonight was a bit wild but in the end it’s acknowledging that I’m down for my shit and with the right comfort and vibe I can put myself in this vulnerable position.

Best part: he asked to ride my face. 中中中

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He Asked to Ride My Face

I’m so happy we all got laid tonight is really how I feel right now. I’ve been skeptical about my desire – in the aftermath of everything that occurred with him it was about time for me to feel myself for myself.

Going over tonight showed me the level where I’m currently at. I’m a trans women who is comfortable navigating herself as a gay man around these premises. In the context of the fun that I enjoy having: I am a secret ninja top whose aggressiveness brings out the naughtiest inside of people. I’m a being sharing myself with people of mutual interest.

He was 21 years old, smoked mokes and just finished his last quarter. His name was AJ (which I doubt is true) but it is a name I won’t forget. With this person moving as well it makes me think of this ticking time bomb that hasn’t fully exploded on me.

His moke smoking reminded me of times I would kiss my ex. Or of the times when I would enjoy leisure time with the plug. My life has definitely circulated around these circles but as long as I’m being safe I found power in my agency to choose what I do with my body.

I was distracted tonight – DICKstracted if you want to call it that but I am definitely doing what makes me feel free. You know what – I’m doing what makes me feel like me. Tonight was a bit wild but in the end it’s acknowledging that I’m down for my shit and with the right comfort and vibe I can put myself in this vulnerable position.

Best part: he asked to ride my face. 中中中

Everything Is Love

Wow Beyonce.

You really went out there and wrote the summer album we did not deserve from you. You are amazing.

Beyond this, this album truly explores a lot of intersections within her life but also allows you to reflect on your own. From Jay talking about the Louvre, to recording Apeshit she allows us to delve further into the secret life of Beyonce. This Virgo queen brings about a different side of her that we really began seeing after Beyonce – the Self-Titled album and once again when Lemonade was released.

I sit here as I know my friends are graduation and contemplate like Beyonce in Friends about the impact the they’ve had on my life. Like Beyonce I know that my friends are better than your friends, but this draws from the groups that i’ve inhibited. Beyond my current corporeal self I know there is a version of myself beyond this space that is going to thrive. I highlight Friends because I really felt like I needed this energy before I could continue.

I wanted to grow and I became. Like Beyonce I said, “fuck you!” to the things that were not benefiting me. I let go of this old idea people thought about me and made my Lemonade. Like Beyonce I thought differently and imagined a space outside of the current platforms offered. I joined a collective and together we made a team. At Beychella I found this tribe. I found a core group of Femme-Friends that I knew I can count on. The power of women ; or the power of the collective is powerful y’all. Tidal is this platform.

I joined Tidal to support the art of those artists exclusively on this path. As the great flow of life goes I know it is through these valiant efforts that one day somebody will recognize an idea I have, see my art and worth and support me. In closing I am left in surprise of this album out of nowhere! But this is not Beyonce’s first time gracing us as we close off our chapters in our current states.In the words of Britney Spears, “Oops, She did it again!”

Bed.

“Got a bed with your name on it.”

Ariana’s new song speaks volumes to the end of Spring / beginning of Summer emotion. It delves into this feeling of knowing where you are and the person who you lay beside. When thinking of my life, I think the way that I am learning who I want to lay beside? I know one person, but as the saying goes only time can tell what this will bring about.

I’m learning to see this bed as a space that is sacred to me, it is one that allows me to be both vulnerable and strong. Who else lays on your bed besides the people that are closest to you?

I Love Me Like Kanye Loves Kanye

If I’m honest, I’m learning a lot about myself like I feel the people around me are as well. I’ve learned that you learn to see the archetypes of beings that are around you through the sociopolitical spaces you inhabit. I’m learning more about myself, the world, the way I interact with the world and also my positionality even as I write this right now.

Here are some things that i’ve compiled that I “know” about myself through this experiment I’ve been doing:

Performer, Dancer, Daddy, Trans, Drag, Lawyer, Man, Woman, Charming, Bitch, Loca

This experiment is one where I listen more, I listen to the adjectives that people use to describe me and I consolidate them into a word that will go into my identity board. This board is an ongoing process, it will definitely change through the methods I do it but right now it can best be done visually and in my face when I go through my closet.

I love me, like Kanye loves Kanye. This says a lot in today’s society, it inhibits a space that really delves into the meaning of who we are as beings. We speak of our primal innate ability to think, to know, to inhibit and to grow and we learn to see ourselves through the way people see you. The experiment is tied into my self-love because the being I see is a combination of these things but also all at the same time.

My constant question recently has been, “Who Am I?” when in reality it should be, “Who do I want to be?” I know who I am, but in order to get to where I want to go I need to break the prisons of my minds and release into this new being. I’m both, my life has always been both and will continue to be both for years to come.

Thank you Kanye for giving us a lesson on love.

The Camale籀ns Quench

I think I just saw you.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that the energy you’re surrounded by seems too familiar? Have you ever looked around in a room and could swear in your heart that you’ve been in this situation before?

I do, I believe as I grow further into my process I’m beginning to see the pockets in which reality is created and augmented by the level of energy you interact with it. I state this from my perspective with wanting to see myself and be my free Camila-ness. I say this from the experience of knowing I just need to make time to do the things I want to put forth.

What tomorrow marks is not just another transformation but it is a time in which I’m putting my cards out on the table and seeing what can become of this. Company retention is key, but am I setting myself up for failure or am I psyching myself out of something that could potentially grow. If there’s one thing I learned more than anything is that I’m worth it; my perspective is valid and I need to be there for myself more than I would be there for my own family.

I’m growing, and I don’t think I will ever stop growing. Growing into the women I am today took a lot of grief, as I said with a colleague of mine earlier, “I felt like I lost a part of myself moving home,” in which we rooted it in a sense to forgot who we are. I perform for my comfort, I volunteer for my comfort, and I’m leaving for my comfort.

Why do I feel selfish for putting myself first? Why do I feel I’m going to lose people along the way? Why am I thinking that to grow I must really grow out of myself?

I believe I’m there; I’ve said that I’m ready but never acknowledged it through written language. Through this page, this platform I acknowledge where I’m at. My name is Camila – this is my story.

Salt on a Wound.

Everyone always talks about the term salt on a wound as if though it is something you would do or see occurring often nowadays. Overtime I hear the statement I think about the ability of someone to physically grab salt, a tiny particle, and rub / seep / smother / sprinkle like the meme salt on top of an open wound.

Talking to you is this feeling. It is the feeling of knowing there is a gash in my heart that you opened like the other people before me. As odd as it sounds, I’m glad. I’m glad because we aren’t wasting each other’s time anymore. I think you deserve to be happy; in your own way and on your own. Just as much as I think you deserve, I will promise myself two-times better.

Starting today I will appreciate the positive. Si, estamos loca, pero no estupida. If you even want to consider the thought of staying friends we are going to have to change our ways.

  1. I’m going to have to teach myself to accept the standards and limits that you have on our friendship – I will do this by not being a crazy ass heaux that is constantly messaging you, asking how your friends are, and ask what you’re doing constantly. Basically, let’s keep it at the level he presents.
  2. I’m going to learn how to love myself – I will do this with lots of masturbation, selfies, mirrors, painting my face, and putting myself first and foremost.
  3. Nobody is perfect – simple as that.
  4. 2018 will be your year – We will do this.
  5. Always we – never me.

 

(Un)Satisfied

I find myself a person (un)satisfied with the life that i’m living because of the physical body that is displayed. I find myself thinking about this beautiful life i’ve been given and granted. In my head, to be two people at the same time always is exhausting and I find myself lost in this process. I’m wearingthe same parts yet I call myself something else. Does anybody else have this problem? I’m unsatisfied at the fact that i’m still hiding from my family yet this raging kween inside me is dying to come out. I feel fucking fabulous and I wake up feeling fucking fabulous. Through these “windows” in my body i’ve learned to mend my broken soul. Through glitz, glamour, and gloss this girl becomes real. Through finding myself within this discovery I’ve found more about the personal me that i’ve ever thought. I’ve met a version of myself that has continuously been around. This version of me has been craving the spotlight, she’s craving to get out and i’m craving to show her.

I have to be honest and say that I’m generally a happy person. I find joy in the way that i’ve always lived my life but what’s holding me back has also been the thing helping me throughout the past couple months. I need to become who I once was. I need to become the snake slithering through the wall. I need to become this person who drew strength from their weakness. I’m happy, i’m sad and i’m also neither. I’m me. I’m confused. I’m all versions of me at all times. I just need to be free. I need to find what makes me tick, what makes me happy. Who is this woman, and if i’m only 21 what am I going to be like when Grad school comes around. What am I going to be like with the next person I date? How are they going to understand my physical exterior is different from the person that I live inside my mind? How are they going to react that I just won’t be a happy person daily because sometimes it is weeks before I throw a fresh face on?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just a sob story. I’m a happy person. I’m learning to see my life as a mess of positives and not just another person going through personal shit. I’m learning to teach myself the difference from being sad and being bored. It is only a couple weeks until i’m 22 and I think this is what is scaring me the most. I’ve found myself infatuated with the thought of learning to love myself quickly but this isn’t just one day and I’m okay. This is a new lifestyle, a new imagination, a new life, a new person with the assets of all my old tricks. You are my passion, you are my love. You are my priority and before anything else I need to make sure we are both okay. I need to make sure that my physical self and my mental self are connected?

 

Independent Womxn.

Being Trans is hard.
Everyday I read. Everyday I think about my own contextual analysis of this world alongside how I’m supposed to navigate myself around it. I think of how i’m gendered on site and the woman inside me screams. What i’ve been asking myself is what fuels me, and what fuels her? What fuels us? I wonder this EVERYDAY. I think about the way that I see myself in the mirror and its hard acknowledging that I know I’m not happy. I’m not happy putting tons of makeup sometimes but its honestly the only way to feel “whole.”
I know who I am. The next step is whats scaring me. I’m realizing myself, realizing a version of myself that wants more airtime. I call these pockets “windows” on my body. I find these along my tattoos, my piercings, my makeup, nail polish, and then the underwear I have. I enjoy myself. I enjoy the body that I’ve been given but I know I can be happier. Is owning my independence the problem, or is it the conscious decision of being in this form of toxicity that you can’t seem to acknowledge. Its sad knowing that you know what you have to do but it won’t be possible for the safety of yourself and the safety of the other. I’m invested, i’m involved, and I’m definitely frazzled.
Day 240. You have 34 days until your birthday. 34 days until your brother’s birthday as well. 35 days until your other brothers birthday. By watching the way my mom grew with herself and us with her I can see the way independence has been a common theme. I think of my mom as the root of a lot of power in my life. I find myself consumed at the idea of the strength that she has and the strength that I have. In 34 days I want the following reports back and progress tracked here.
The following is a list of goals I should try to achieve within my last days of 21.
  • Visit the beach or a viewpoint (cliff, park, bench) for a moment of relaxation at least once a day (minimum 15 minutes)
  • Visit your bestfriend. (up to your interpretation)
  • Start GRE Practice before school starts.
  • Be fiscally smart.
Lets start there, copy + paste the following goals and add more to the list as you provide updates about the progress. Your mind is hungry, and this writing has definitely covered a craving that hasn’t been open in quite a while.