(Un)Satisfied

I find myself a person (un)satisfied with the life that i’m living because of the physical body that is displayed. I find myself thinking about this beautiful life i’ve been given and granted. In my head, to be two people at the same time always is exhausting and I find myself lost in this process. I’m wearing the same parts yet I call myself something else. Does anybody else have this problem? I’m unsatisfied at the fact that i’m still hiding from my family yet this raging kween inside me is dying to come out. I feel fucking fabulous and I wake up feeling fucking fabulous. Through these “windows” in my body i’ve learned to mend my broken soul. Through glitz, glamour, and gloss this girl becomes real. Through finding myself within this discovery I’ve found more about the personal me that i’ve ever thought. I’ve met a version of myself that has continuously been around. This version of me has been craving the spotlight, she’s craving to get out and i’m craving to show her.

I have to be honest and say that I’m generally a happy person. I find joy in the way that i’ve always lived my life but what’s holding me back has also been the thing helping me throughout the past couple months. I need to become who I once was. I need to become the snake slithering through the wall. I need to become this person who drew strength from their weakness. I’m happy, i’m sad and i’m also neither. I’m me. I’m confused. I’m all versions of me at all times. I just need to be free. I need to find what makes me tick, what makes me happy. Who is this woman, and if i’m only 21 what am I going to be like when Grad school comes around. What am I going to be like with the next person I date? How are they going to understand my physical exterior is different from the person that I live inside my mind? How are they going to react that I just won’t be a happy person daily because sometimes it is weeks before I throw a fresh face on?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just a sob story. I’m a happy person. I’m learning to see my life as a mess of positives and not just another person going through personal shit. I’m learning to teach myself the difference from being sad and being bored. It is only a couple weeks until i’m 22 and I think this is what is scaring me the most. I’ve found myself infatuated with the thought of learning to love myself quickly but this isn’t just one day and I’m okay. This is a new lifestyle, a new imagination, a new life, a new person with the assets of all my old tricks. You are my passion, you are my love. You are my priority and before anything else I need to make sure we are both okay. I need to make sure that my physical self and my mental self are connected?

 

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