Dancing With Myself


Some days more than others the hit single Dancing with Myself by Billy Idol chimes into my head and I think of the impact that living on my own and being on my has had on my experience in Santa Barbara. Today’s experiences derive from a life in which I was thrusted into the role of an adult and my coping, learning and true nurturing. I leave us with the thought that I have always been there, this planner, this passion, this heart. I have always been you.

I can see myself in the corner of high school walls wondering where this energy comes from. Prom, high school, leadership; all depth with purpose and understanding a coming of age story in light of modern America. I draw back on my experiences and if I can highlight one thing is my passion. Like the passion I have for makeup, pole dancing, academics and more it derives from this love of life. It took me many years to find it, and many more to finally control it but I can say here at 21 that who I was yesterday is not who I will continue to be tomorrow. I want to change, but is change bad?

What is change but a figment of one’s coming to terms? I think i’m in the prime time to figure myself out. I’m 21, closer to 22 than I expect within a couple weeks of their last year in their undergrad. It has been a long journey but in the end of it all what have I done for myself?

Camila. Camila Camaleon. Camila La Loca. Camila Cabrona, Camila. Camaleon Camila. Cama Cama Cama Camaleon.

As I wait at this McDonalds I draw back on yesterday’s lesson of Zen. If Zen meant understanding then was I truly learning to navigate the spaces within my mind. If so, how can progress be measured… One thing I know is I think I’m done hiding. I’m me, I’m myself, I’m Ernie (when I want to be) and Camila on most days away. I’m happy, or am I getting happy? The one thing I’m positive about is that I know I’m feeling a lot happier.


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